I got the title coming out from one of One Republic’s song. Yeah, stop and stare.. wondering how long I’ve been on these state of idleness. Clinging on the past. Afraid of losing something. Something I’ve already lost. Or, maybe its something I never had to begin with.

Oh, the job I mentioned on the previous post, I took it. Its a job that I’ve dream about for as long as I could remember. A lot of job opportunity has come to me this past three years, but mostly I was just let it slip (or the opportunity just a passerby), but when my friend told me about this job, I feel like “I guess this is for me, I have to give it a try“, and thanks God I got accepted. This means that the next year will be a whole new life, new job, and new start. I want to start it all over again. These past years that I’ve spent idling, staring and gazing.

Get a life dood!“, “Staring won’t get you anywhere.“, “Hey, cheer up, you have us!“, “we’re here beotch, so stop making that fuckin gloomy face of yours“, “your melancholic way of thinking itching my stomach, cut it out already!“, “you sick, period!“, “falling for the same hole again!?!? are you a stupid or a moron?!?“.

Yeah, those are a few words from my whole friends, and my alter ego. They always concerned on me. Yet, I always sit there on the corner, making those gloomy sad stupid face and mumbling over the same things, again, and again, and again. As if I don’t belong to this world. As if I’m the only one that suffers the pain. I already knew that I can’t just weight the burden by myself, but somehow I have no idea how to share it the right way, other than being introverted, other than being a fuckin’ gloomy stupid melancholic guy.

Okay, that was uhm.. how do we say “curhat” on english anyway? argh, nevermind, hell care about it, just take it as random rambling (and regret? no, i don’t have the right to regret, coz I ain’t try hard enough). Next, as a yearly habit, resolution for the next year. Yaaay..!!! here comes the best part.. wishes and dreams, coz its so nice to dream out our dream (and freakin’ damn hurt to realize that its just a dream we can’t reach, LOL!!).

  1. As someone (or something) said earlier, Get A Life!
  2. Be a little more responsible and considerate (and stop doing reckless thing)
  3. Be a little more discipline (no more lazy gloomy sleepy)
  4. Be a little more decisive (yeah, I’m an indecisive bastard)
  5. Be a little more aware (I’m a clumsy one after all T.T)
  6. Be a little more .. happy (is this even possible?)
  7. Be … ah enough with this “be a little more” thingy, it won’t get me anywhere

Okay, for next year, I just want to be a better one, I don’t want these last 20 years of hard work and effort that my Mom put her life’s on, to go a waste. I don’t want to make her sad. I want to show her that her efforts were great enough to make me stand on my own. I want to show her that I can be a good brother too (despite the fact that I’ve never spent a day with my little brother and using my job as an excuse, such a shame on me). I want to tell my Mom that I love her, and I’ll catch up with her expectation, I want to die trying. I want to see her smile, once again.

Okay cut it out, now the real item that will be my next year wishlist is :

  1. My own Personal Computer
  2. My own domain and hosting *then started my own site*
  3. Continuing my study
  4. Helping rebuild the house
  5. A hand watch *I want it bad, my old one is broken already* – this is optional
  6. A new cellphones, the one with music player and Opera mini (i hope a stable version of FF mobile will be out soon) *so I can go online anytime* (wait, to think of it, ain’t better to just get a monthly internet access at home? no way, I should spend my money on a more important thing) -this is optional
  7. Make insomnity a much more lively as a friendship based community.
  8. Erh… what else? ahh.. a girlfriend, if possible. *is that even possible? am I able to accept another existence on my heart? someone other than her? sigh.. this love thingy sure makes me sick*
  9. There are only eight point for now *I’ll add more, later, if I remember*
  10. If you can’t even get the ninth, then how come the tenth?!?
  11. And the eleventh is even more impossible, right
  12. DAMN YOU!! THAT’S ENOUGH!! *sigh*

I guess thats all for now, at least those are core plan for the next year. As for this year, a lot of thing has happened. A big lost, a total defeat, a lot of mess, some happiness, and some other things.

As for her.. sometimes, I still shakin’ everytime I remembered about her. I admit that without I realized, I already belong to her, but that doesn’t change the fact that she’s not mine. She’s selfish, but I’m stubborn (or rather stupid?). So lets keep it as it is. As long as she managed to keep her smile, I’ll find a way to cerish it, and smiled peacefully.

Fiuh, damn, I never thought I would be able to write down a lot of stuff in a single post. Hum, next year, as my new job has a “normal” worktime, I might be able to cure my insomniac habit.

Well, its time to go to sleep then. A lullaby to world of never ending fantasies, a places where I belong. Where I can possibly smile.

Under influence of : One Republic – Stop and Stare; Ipang – Ada yang hilang; Jamie Cullum – Dreaming with a broken heart; John Mayer – Love song for no one; Breaking Benjamin – The Diary Of Jane; L’arc en Ciel – Winter Fall; Bondan ft. Fade 2 Black – Hidup Berawal Dari Mimpi; Masayoshi Yamazaki – One more time, one more chance; Secondhand Serenade – Stranger; Rihanna ft. Ne Yo – Hate that I love you.