Here I stand alone
With this weight upon my heart
And it will not go away
In my head I keep on looking back
Right back to the start
Wondering what it was that made you change

Well I tried
But I had to draw the line
And still this question keeps on spinning in my mind

What if I had never let you go
Would you be the man I used to know
If I’d stayed
If you’d tried
If we could only turn back time
But I guess we’ll never know

Kate Winslet – What if

Another melancholic post, so if you hate melancholic thingy, stay away from here. thanks.

These days were so hard for me. Tiga hari sebelum ayah meninggal, ibuku diduga kena serangan kanker, dan pagi ini, ternyata memang sudah positif, stadium 3b, dan kata dokter sudah gak mungkin lagi dioperasi dan jalan satu-satunya cuma menggunakan penyinaran/laser. To think of that, my Mom is a strong person to be able to hold all the pain these past few years and still be able to work. And now I feel so useless.

I thought I’ve had enough, but now I realize, its never really enough. Life would be plain and boring without all of these.

Jujur, aq gak isa fokus akhir-akhir ini. I’m scared, I’m worried. Even thought I told myself not to worried that much, but I can’t just ignore this matter, my inner self refuse to ignore this matter. Everything seems so blurry now. Don’t know where to run. Don’t know where to go. Don’t know what to do. All I can do now is praying for her, cheering her up, and be on her side.

I need someone to lay my head down a bit. Someone to share these pain. Ternyata, aq ga se-painless yg aq kira. Ternyata, aq ga se-heartless yg aq sangka. I’m weak. I’m broken. Shame on me but thats the truth.

Aq gak tahu, kenapa saat butuh seseorang kek gini, aq selalu berharap dia ada buat sekedar menceritakan todays activity-nya. Sometimes, cuman dengerin suaranya aja dah bikin aq tenang. What is she for me? I don’t know. She just simply fills my emptiness.

Sepertinya aq mulai lelah. How much longer will I lasts?

Under influence of : Kate Winslate – What If; Story of the year – Five against the world; Natalie Imbruglia – Torn; Norah Jones – Be my somebody tonight; Natalie Imbruglia – wishing I was there; The Rain – Dengar bisikku.

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