But you put on quite a show
Really had me going
But now it’s time to go
Curtains finally closing
That was quite a show
Very entertaining
But it’s over now, …
Go on and take a bow …

Rihanna – take a bow

Well, this is the second Iedl Fitr without her. A tremendous feeling strikes when visiting her grave right after Iedl Fitr Sholat, a complicated emotion, rolled back memories, simply like reopening old wounds. The hardest part was when I saw my little brother crying, it gave me the most pain of all.

Hum, most of you might think “what ?!? what the relation with the song above ?“, nothing. That song was written particularly for completely different reason. For the sake of what I’ve left and what I should embrace on the future.

I’ve never really said it, no, in fact, I’ve never really done it. I’ve never really make that decision. Its like giving candy to a child who actually needs medicine. And thus hurting everyone.

Well, I’m not quite sure how long this will lasts, whats important is what lies ahead. Guess what, Ramadhan still has its beautiful miracles upon every other things. I just need to close my eyes and countless miracles is happening without I reckon it.

Praying is the least I can do for now, while doing my best to catch up with everything that left me behind.

dear my love,
I’ve been here for as long as I can remember
I regain consciousness from my very dream
but, my love
who are you ?

I remember the way you look at me
I remember the way you speak to me
I remember the way we laugh together
but, my love
I can’t remember why you’re here with me
And I still can’t remember who are you …
rather .. actually .. I guess .. I never really know who you are..

Dan aq balik jadi melankolis lagi, WTF-lah. Gak ngerti deh, kata seorang rekan di kantor yang dulu, Ramadhan is a month full of miracles, and I still don’t know which or what miracles I might get .. Jah, tarawih aja lubang-lubang, dan aq berharap dikasih “lebih”, how ungrateful I am. (tapi masih tetep ngarep.. hehehe *dilempar monitor*).

Hum, hesitation is a tough enemy. Sure it is.

Erh.. ano .. erh.. gilak ini server kenapa lagi seh, anjrit dah, padahal kemaren baik-baik sahaja. Semingguan ini berkutat dengan Load Balancing research, squid configuration, sama firewall testing. Cukup membuahkan hasil seh, meskipun praktek operasionalnya baru sabtu depan, cuman tinggal research load balancing yang secara teoritis mulai ngeh, tapi secara praktikal blum masuk ke hati.

Iseng-iseng baca-baca postingan lama, waw, ternyata saya dulu memang sucks =)). Aslinya sekarang masih sucks seh, cuman ketutupan aja sama kesibukan, jadi suxx tu de maxx nya gag parah-parah banget. Sudah lama juga gag rambling pagi-pagi tanpa dibumbui keabstrakan bahasa (woiii… trus puisi diatas itu namanya apa ha?!?!?) .. erh, itu random rambling, inevitable.

Barusan sahur pake MSG goreng sama Kerupuk, plus teh segelas. Waw, ditemani Lilly, server Debian Lenny yang masih berumur beberapa hari, flash back a year when I was working on the Internet Cafe. Ditambah lagi kena brainwash Avenged Sevenfold, King of Convenience, Maliq & D’essentials, Jason Mraz, sama beberapa lagu geje, unavoidable.

Sempet kepikiran buat revive Sakura, my old Slackware server, tapi karena sang empunya menghendaki Debian, ya sutralah, Sakura tar direvive di calon leppie yang masih ada di pabrik aja =)) (jadi bingung mo beli leppie apa PC T.T)

Being 21, its still just a number anyway. Kalok noleh ke belakang, I do really grateful for what I’ve been through. Emang bener kata Bapak, pengalaman hidup itu sesuatu yang mahal, yang dapat menempa seseorang menjadi sesuatu yang lebih baik. Entah lebih baiknya itu di sifat positif ato sifat negatifnya, depend bagaimana tiap-tiap individual mengambil makna dari tiap momen.

Buat seorang kawan, thanks for giving this September a new fire. Buat kawan lagi, don’t hesitate brother.. tell her or you will regret it for the rest of your live. Buat seorang sahabat, traktiran berjamaahnya gimana ?. Buat seseorang, I wonder if what you said is what you really felt inside.. I wonder if you really meant it, coz I couldn’t feel it when you look into my eyes. Buat seorang lagi, congratulation and never look back again. Buat seorang lagi, your happiness is mine as well.. so move on. Buat seorang lagi, I wouldn’t mind to bear another pain and bear another sin if you resolutely say it out loud and clear.

A symphony that comes out of blue hazel eyes. An eternal petals that flows side by side with the wind. An empty heart which filled with enormous happiness and sadness. Within the hesitation over troubled mind.

It’s been a few days.. or week since my last posts on this blog, and been almost 2 years since I decided to take that path. A one lonely and painful path dedicated for hopes and wishes. At least it was for that purposes, at first, or foremost like that. Until I finally realize the difference. Until I made that mistakes and finally found out the regretful truth.

I keep on telling myself that it’ll be just fine. But no one ever told me it could be this hard. No one ever told me it could be this painful. I realize there has to be something wrong with the way things goes on. Something essentials that I forgot.

An unanswered questions, leads to another hesitation. A promises will still be a promises until accomplished. A forgotten one will remains no more that an empty words of hopes and wishes.

I’ve kept my promises, and I won’t have any more regret now. Yes, you win this battle, but I win the whole war.

Even if this new path would bleed me to death, I’ll keep on walking, to respect the past, cherish the present, and embrace the future.

And this lacrymosa, is my farewell~

I ended up writing for my blog again. No particular topic, just simply another melancholic posting. Actually, its rather just simply letting out the whole burden for a while now, cause I’ve been wondering on which to whom I should share this.

I’m pretty much stuck with some problem lately. First, was an old-unsettled problem that comes out of my family. The other one was about the sway in my heart.

Yea yea yea, I keep telling myself that it will be alright. I shouldn’t regret it. But still, I blame myself for letting it.

If I could just take my heart out, I’d probably lock it up inside a box now, and throw the key to a place of nowhere. So I won’t feel anything anymore. The suffocating feeling of having it is getting even more painful. But I know its impossible, at least for me. Particularly, its not impossible for a human, cause human is an insignificant being. The only thing impossible for a human is to stop its stupidity.

I merely thought that stupidity itself is what makes human even more humanly. Seriously, and why do I have to blabber around about human stupidity ?

*sigh*

Hum.. to think of it, I was the one started all that thing, and I was the one deciding to let it go.. even though it wasn’t my intention, I was the one who hurt her feelings, and I guess this is a punishment cause I’m sure the pain she weld is much heavier than mine.

I just hate myself to see her being somebody elses. Or.. was it the real her that I never saw ? the part that I’ve never seen before ?

Either way, I’ve made a promise to be here whenever she needs me. So as long as she doesn’t, then I won’t interfere. And until that time comes, I’ll pray for her smile.

[KOC - Homesick, Know how][L'arc en Ciel - Winter Fall][Omariaon - Icebox][Ne yo - Mad]

Hum, what a nice and calm rain in the morning. I thought its a dry season already. Well not that bad, at least I’m sitting here on my office, staring those code at the monitor, seems like everything twists one with another. LoL.

Its been a few weeks since I decided to walk this path, I’m happy, even thought somehow, sometimes I feel a little lonely, but everything just as planned before. Smooth and slow.

The joke of “I’m happy” seems kinda absurd for me. Even the joke of “I’m sad” not giving out that much impressions. Plain but calm. That’s how I describe my feeling now.

So, the vibe has gone?

No, obviously not. The vibe is there, but rather than being gloomy and randomly generated, the vibe now is rather calm, organized and much more energizing.

Okay, enough with the abstract thing, since its rather becoming kind of this blog’s trademark now, LOL. Geez, if I re-read those posts of mine, I laughed at most of them. Pretty much funny, and pretty much lot to learn. What a memories.

Some nice things happened these last few weeks. Knowing the truth is not always happy thing. Revealing her true nature obviously makes me feel at ease. Somehow I have no more doubtful thought about why she tried to avoid me or something like that, with all her excuses. Furthermore, I don’t want to be a burden to other people, and somehow, one by one, slowly and smoothly, my problem become clear and I found the way to get myself out of them. Not all of them but its getting even more clear now.

Back to 4 to 6 years ago. I can feel the same feeling now. How and why I was so energized even thought the “me” now and the “me” back then is pretty much different. I can feel the joy of watching the rain, staring at the stars, and gazing at the morning sky.

Pretty stupid thing to do, but for an introvert oxymoron like me, it is such a fun activity. Reminds me how small I am, and how precious everything I had now.

Well, now back to the real live. I got a 4 days off by 09th to 12th April, and still have no plan for those days. Maybe I should use those 4 days off to develop my skill on ActionScript3, remastering Debian, or reinventing my Guitar skill again. Maybe hang out with friends? but I have to be a little tight because my expense is pretty much high this month. Except if they willing to just hanging out without spending much money, then I might consider to attend their invitation

Humm.. I might just staying at home and continuing the rebuild of Insomnity project, its new name is Greensoul project, according to the new concept I brought along. Or maybe if someone got a project that computer related (network setup, server setup, design, web development services, etc.), I’ll take it rightaway. Without hesitation. LOL. (yes brothers and sisters, I desperately need more income T.T)

So.. with the birds.. I’ll share this lonely view.. In a good mood to observe everything.

[[Under Influence of: RHCP - Scar Tissue; Julie London - Fly me to the moon; 30sTM - Beautiful lie; The Morning Of - Smooth Sailing; Jack Johnson - Upside Down]]

Hum, okay, I understand that my other alter ego has grown much stronger each time passed. Thanks to those gloomy and melancholic thought, twisted relationship, and complete defeat, the perfect situation to get a broken heart shattered into pieces of junk.

I really want to be free, as free as I used to be. Don’t wanna be bothered about all those blurry abstract thing anymore. Two years of stagnancy is enough to get me to nowhere but clinging to my past. The delicate thought of being sarcasmic will leads me to nowhere but hatred.

Well, sometimes life is hard, only those strong enough can gain something up from that, make a way forward and not forgetting about the past. Clearly hard thing to do, especially when you cling to your past too much.

Losing something will always give you something in return, might not be better in some terms, but absolutely means more on other terms. Just need to find it, smile, and embrace the future.

Whats this again? aren’t this post supposed to be an un-melancholic one? whats the difference with your old one? wheres the evil deed that talks to me with its passion when about to start this blog?

No, I’m trying to lecture myself. Trying to find what it means to be here. Trying to get the essence of Shin Arakish Valinsky, my old self before I turned myself into shitty Illyasviel. No, Illyasviel is a great one. He taught me almost every pain I could have. So I know how precious happiness could be. And I guess I pass the exam.

You tried your best, its enough already.

Yes, I know. Sometimes the results might not what I always wanted, but clearly, thats enough.

So, want me to take you somewhere? I’ve promised you to take you out before, to go somewhere over the rainbow, a place where there’s only you and me.

Yeah, I still remember it, it was on another post in this blog.

Now I offer you once more, will you come?

Of course I will. Sorry to keep you waiting for so long. It’s been a year ain’t it?

Yup. No problem, we’re one afterall.

Yeah. Lets get going then.

Fist of all, for all those Aura Kasih fans out there, you’d better not continue reading this because this post might hurt your *cough* feeling.

Jadi gini, tahu Aura Kasih? ya ya ya newcomer female singer with that sexy body? nah, pas pertama kali dengerin dia punya hit single, I feel like the song is kinda.. familiar, padahal blum pernah sekalipun ngedengerin lagunya tuh cewek. Selidik punya selidik, ternyata bener, barusan bongkar-bongkar koleksi mp3, and I found “Give It To You” by “Eve ft. Sean Paul“.

Nyoba battle sama “Mari Bercinta“-nya “Aura Kasih“, puter sekali .. dua kali .. tiga kali .. damn, aq langsung ngakak, feels like listening for the same song with different singer and alternative composition.

Ooopz, despite the title, aq gag bermaksud ngebandingin dan atau nyamain dua lagu / dua musisi diatas, tapi beneran, sumpah, dari telinga awam penikmat musik seperti saya, itu dua lagu emang mirip.

Okay, I’m not talking about the lyrics coz I don’t even bothered to put a good attention on Mari Bercinta’s lyric (and I don’t care :p).

To be blunt, personally, truthfully *halah apa seh?!?!?*, I don’t really like her voice, even thought I still have to admit that she has a nice body. So, is she selling out her music or .. ? No no no, I’m not trying to judge a book from its cover, coz I only heard one of her song, not the whole album, and I really not intended to have a try to.. afterall, she’s still way better than so-unfamous-Dewi-Persik or so-hated-Julia-Perez (in a way of public appearances).

Tapi teteup, Mbak Gita Gutawa is TOP NOTCH..!!!

Ada yg keberatan? fans-nya Aura Kasih mungkin? silahkan komen.. )

Fath, basbang ah! Yee, yang bilang ini penemuan baru juga sapa, baru
sempet nulis aja, ngebahas ini sama si CM udah lama banget aslinya.

Lha fath, kok kurang kerjaan banget km? Iy, ceritanya lagi flushing isi mp3 player, ganti playlist lah, playlist yang sekarang rada… painful jadinya butuh something fresh to enjoy my new hunting time.

Hunting apaan? Duid dunkz ah, apa lagi cobak ) biar semangat, trus bisa fokus.

Jadi, point penting yang bisa dipetik dari kegiatan sorting lagu diatas, bukan pada lagu Aura Kasih, tapi restructuring playlist di mp3 playerku, kenapa? ya karena menemukan lagunya Julie London, Fly me to the moon yang sudah lama terselip disela cluster hardisk *halah apa seh ?!?*. This song is so damn sweet and jazzy…. ada lagi seh yang dinyanyiin Olivia dengan judul yang sama, tapi sayang ndak ada di tempatku.. ada yang punya?

Sebentar, harusnya hari ini juga nge-list ulang category di blog ini, plus nambahin daftar blogroll, tapi dengan pertimbangan beli domain+hosting sendiri dalam waktu dekat (domain sudah pasti, klo hosting masih mungkin dititipin di hostingan temen, harahatiss euy), sepertinya nanti saja sekalian. Jadi buat yang linknya belum sempet masuk ke blogroll yang sekarang, nuhun pangapunten atuh, sing sabar nyak….

Current mood : eh, mood apaan yah?

I threw it away? hm.. kenapa judulnya seperti itu? no particular reason.. more like because when I wrote the title, I was listening for a song entitled Unromantic by Drew. So, basically, this just a random rambling. (berniat reorganize postingan tapi blum sempet.. )

Kemaren seharian puter2 surabaya, surabaya timur lebih tepatnya, area yang belum pernah tersentuh oleh makhluk macam saya. Sampek nyasar2 kek orang bego …

Sempet kirim SMS ke temen “Joh, aq tersesad!! semampir itu daerah mana!?!? ini keluarnya gimana?!?!” dan teman saya di dunia lain itu hanya menjawab “Search Google ~~~“

Saya hanya bergumam “amen…“, dan setelah perjuangan mencari jalan keluar sambil tanya sana tanya sini (dan tentunya bukan paman gugel karena dia mungkin belum mengunjungi semampir dan sekitarnya ), akhirnya mendapat pencerahan dan lolos masuk ke area kedung baruk/rungkut… (anjrit ternyata tembus daerah sini!!!).. dan saya pun melenggang kerumah teman dengan santainya.. BANZAAAI..~~~ saya telah menaklukkan sebagian Surabaya Timur.

Ngomongin soal nama jalan, aq emang tipikal orang yang lebih memilih menghafalkan nama gedung/bangunan daripada nama jalan, jadinya sering ditanyain nama jalan A, aq ndak tahu, tapi pas diajak ketempatnya, oalah, ini toh

Semped kepikiran (dan disarankan oleh teman) buat beli peta, tapi entah kenapa blum kesampaian… (alibi, aslinya males )

Eh anjrit ternyata sudah pagi… pagi2 gini sudah hujan pula, dogh, padahal hari ini jadwalnya cuci pakaian. Hahahaha.. to think of it, saya masih nocturnal !!!

Hmm, dah lama gag ngeblog, sekalinya ngeblog, gag ada topik, tapi lagi pengin ngetik2, sambil nunggu ujan reda. (biasanya ngeblog juga contentnya gag jelas, so why can’t this one be?!? )

Hum, btw, seminggu lagi acara Val days, not that I will celebrate it or something, tapi makhluk2 disekelilingku mulai panik dan gak jelas dengan mumbling rambling toddlingan mereka yang sometimes makes me feels like an alien.

“fath, enaknya ngado apa ya? (lah, ini yg punya cewek sapa se sebenernya?)”, “fath fath, besok anterin yah, cari hadiah buat suamikuw tercindtah.. (emang lu kapan merit?!?)”, “waduh, kurang seminggu dan aq belum bikin planning, ya’apa ini?? (yo buruan bikin, kok malah panik!)”, “bro, gloomy val day ma gwa aja yah, kita wisata kuliner puter2 surabaya (anjrit, gwa bukan homok! etapi klo dibayarin gpp ding.. daripada dirumah nonton pilm cinta2an, not that I hate it, the moment is just not right )”, “fath, hotel yang nyaman dan murah dimana yah? biasanya klo pas val day pada penuh, apa mending booking dari sekarang aja ya?? ( ……. *aq cuman mandangin temenku yg nanya pertanyaan ini dengan pandangan kosong dan wajah tanpa expresi, dan dia berlalu tanpa berkata apapun*)”.

So, whats the point? HELLO~~~ look at ME? am I the right one to be asked about all those things?!? HA!!? HA!?!? *sigh*

Fiuh, not that I cursed them, but they can be so annoying sometimes, and guess, they don’t even know the real meaning of “Hari Kasih Sayang”. Yeah, you guys, READ IT, UNDERSTAND IT. Its supposed to be everyday way of thinking.. yup, it supposed to be EVERYDAY! and to EVERYONE! not just a particular person and particular reason.

Erhh… itu curhat bukan? bodo ah.. at least hasrat tulis menulisketik mengetik ku tersampaikan

I lost on my own world
a world full of fake smile
a place where I cry
for the sake of your laugh

A world where you barely see me
but on a blurriness
a place which no one but you
is important
an ironic fact
whilst I’m completely ignored

I skiped the beat
I followed the melody
and drank the emotion

The last drop was the last petals
of hesitation, and courage
a determination of losing something
might as well means winning something

So, what am I doing here?
in a place where there’s nothing but you ?
in a world of my creation
but without a single trace of me inside…

Sometimes I wonder
am I too patient, or am I just too stupid

Well, either way, I wouldn’t mind
I won’t lose …. I can’t lose ….
not after this far …
this is my declaration of war
I will shout it out loud, ..
until my lungs dry of blood ..

This is my declaration of fight
in which I have two option ..
winning the battle and losing the war
or losing the battle and winning the war
either way, it’ll be a painful real smile ..
even on this world of fake smile
on the world of my creation..
I can still feel the smile, and the pain of loving you ..

ps: sorry, I should’ve realized who am I to you …

Peringatan! Untuk tujuan hiburan semata, jika ada yang kurang berkenan dikarenakan hiburan ini bersifat menistakan orang lain, mohon maaf sebesarnya, silahkan komplain dan foto anda akan saya amankan dari sini

Mengabaikan judul yang panjang, sebenernya ini postingan yang cukup pendek. Dan untuk menghormati permintaan seorang rekan, postingan kali ini dalam bahasa Indonesia.

Para kandidat dan ketua baru TPC periode 2009

Nasehat bunda

Akibat kencan sampe pagi

Trio Kwek Kwek

Misteri bagian 1

Arahan dari pak guru

Skandal cinta terlarang

Kesempatan dalam kesempitan

Misteri bagian 2 (habis)

Jadi, intinya, rapat tadi pagi benar-benar guyub dan menyenangkan, semua bubble text pada foto diatas adalah murni rekaan penulis dan untuk kepentingan hiburan semata, jika ada yang tidak berkenan, penulis mohon maaf sebesarnya.

Trus elu dimana fath?? Lha saya khan tukang poto kelilingnya..

Dan gathering pagi ini murni mematahkan mitos bahwa gathering online community di dunia nyata itu mahal dan memuakkan, ini buktinya!!

Dan tidak, tidak ada unsur komersial ato iklan pada foto diatas, murni untuk menunjukkan betapa kebersamaan itu indah, jauh lebih mahal dari harga lontong sayur sekalipun…

Jadi, Why so serious ??

Dan bagian serius dari postingan kali ini, saya ucapkan selamat bertugas untuk paman Frenavit sebagai ketua TPC yang baru, mohon maaf saya hanya bisa membantu semampu saya. Semoga kedepannya TPC benar2 menjadi komunitas solid dan manfaat, tapi tetap menjaga kerendahan diri.

Oh iya, versi non-bubbletext lengkap dari moment siang tadi yang berhasil saya dokumentasikan bisa diunduh disini, cuman diresize secara kemampuan upload saya sangat menyedihkan :
http://www.indowebster.com/TPC_11_January_2009.html
password : cek milis TPC